Him and Me
by JavaForever
Summary: I can’t feel a thing. I might be empty inside, but I wouldn’t know. I’ve been letting go slowly." A "Partings" redo of my own. JavaJunkie, naturally. One-shot. Enjoy!


A/N: So I wrote this little story a few months ago and I've been trying to decide if I want to post it. It's my "Partings never really happened, but if it did this is how it should have gone" bit. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not, do not, do not own Gilmore Girls.

I can't feel a thing. I might be empty inside, but I wouldn't know. I've been letting go slowly. So slowly that I barely realize it.

So when I came looking for him tonight, it was possibly the first time in awhile that I've felt that kind of emotion. I became desperate to make him want to be with me. But he just didn't feel that way, and I couldn't force him to marry me. I was walking away before I even knew that I was giving up.

He chased after me, and it should have made me happy. But behind those eyes that looked so full of emotion, was nothing more than fear. Fear of losing what he's gotten so used to. Fear of no longer having his routine. And maybe somewhere back in the depths of his mind, there was fear of losing me. Maybe.

He practically lunged for me, knocking me back roughly. His eyes churning with emotion matched up with my churning stomach.

Now we're wrapped up in this amazing kiss. The fingers of his one hand are intertwined in my hair – gripping just a little too tightly. His mouth against mine is pressing too hard, searching for something that he just can't find. And though I want to protect myself, though I want to pull away, I'm kissing him back.

Normally when we kiss, I feel sparks. Fireworks. I get wrapped up in him, and I'm not aware of anything around me. But right now, I can feel eyes on us. I know people are watching, and I feel exposed. Naked, standing in front of the entire town with nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. In this crazy role reversal, he isn't aware of anything. Not even my discomfort.

But against my will, I'm responding to his touch. I need him to live. He is everything to me. It's more than a physical need, although that's there too. When he's gone in any way, even when he's not there emotionally, part of me is missing. It isn't anything I choose. If I could choose, at this moment, I would choose not to need him. Because he's hurting me. Because he doesn't seem to need me the same way I need him. But every bit of me that needs him won't let go.

I've never seen him so desperate. It makes me sad in a way that I can't describe. I finally manage to pull away, but his hands close around my wrists keeping me there. Making me feel trapped. He's leading me away from all those prying, curious eyes, toward the diner. Up the stairs, and somehow we've gotten to his bed. I still haven't spoken a word. What am I doing?

He looks at me seriously. "I love you." He says.

He loves me. Does he? He doesn't love me enough to marry me. He doesn't love me enough to let me be a part of his daughter's life.

I look at him astonished. "What are you doing?" I ask.

"What?"

"Why did you bring me up here? We were fighting, weren't we? Just a few minutes ago I gave you an ultimatum, and you chose never. You can't just say no, and then bring me up here like we're still a 'we'! We aren't a 'we' anymore! There's you, and there's me." I feel frantic and I'm sure it shows.

He looks at me like he doesn't know what to say. He probably doesn't. "I just," he starts. "I just needed to take in what you were saying."

"Why? Why did you need time? We've been planning a wedding. I mean, I know it was postponed, but still. Don't you want to marry me anymore?" It feels like my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces.

His eyes widen. "Of course I do!"

"Well then why did you postpone it?" I cry.

"You offered!"

"Yeah, but I thought…"

"You thought what?"

"I don't know. I thought I would meet April and you would get things sorted out in your head and we could get married when we planned to. But you didn't – no sorry, you don't – want me to see her, and nothing got better. I've been miserable, Luke, and you never noticed! You've been so wrapped up in the April thing that you're practically living a separate life from me!"

His eyes are sad now, lacking the passionate emotion that was there just minutes before. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asks.

"Why didn't you notice?" I counter.

He sighs and sits on the couch. "I'm not a mind reader." He says. "I can't always tell what you're thinking, no matter how well I know you. You just shut down. You didn't tell me anything. That's not you, Lorelai."

I nod. "I know."

He looks up at me, his elbows resting on his knees, hands on his hat. The blue one that I gave him so long ago. "I…don't know what to say." He says quietly.

I blink slowly. "Say that things will be different. I want to see April. I want to be part of your life again. I want the wedding to be back on. Say that you'll make it all happen!"

"Lorelai," he starts.

"Say it!" I exclaim, almost hysterical now. "Or don't, but that will be it!"

He looks miserable. "Stop." He says.

I stand up and move toward the door. He blocks my path quickly. "Move, please." I say.

"No."

"Move."

"No."

"Get out of my way!" I push at him, but he's stronger than I am.

"I didn't want April to like you more than me, but I get now that I was being stupid. I saw that at her party. I'll talk to Anna about April seeing you. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of being a father. I want to do it Lorelai, but I want to do it right. A real wedding, not an elopement. The one you want."

I feel completely overwhelmed with emotion. Hysterical, sad, confused, beyond happy, all at once. My head is spinning. This entire night has been crazy. I step back a little and sink on to the couch. He sits next to me and I vaguely register that I'm leaning my head back against the cushions and I'm falling asleep, but I'm pretty sure I hear myself say, "Okay." And I'm pretty sure he's smiling.


End file.
